Winless In Seattle
Steve Sauro
Elliott SmithWeek 10 picks!
November 12th 2011 02:20
:
Where the Hawks are within one game of the Eagles
First an apology. We had a sudden death in the family last week, which made posting a bunch of jokes in a column seem inappropriate. So I promised to post our new feature on sitcoms this week, except I had an unexpected visit from my father and brother (here from Tuesday to Sunday), which was awesome for me but meant that I had to shelf the sitcom column till next week (since I haven't even watched my tivo-ed "The Big Bang Theory" yet). We will try to get that feature up and running early next week (and after seeing 3 minutes of "Whitney", I think I found the second show for that column). So, now that I have a couple of hours to myself, let's crank out this week's picks...
Oakland @ San Diego
I know everyone is expecting San Diego to turn the corner and start pulling away from the pack of mediocrity that is the AFC West, but I don't see them winning this game. Michael Bush is due for a breakout (Oakland will probably give him around 30 carries); as is Denarius Moore (due for one of those 3 catches, 123 yds, 2 TD games). Plus, you can't trust Phillip "there's no INT in team" Rivers anymore. He'll probably be driving for the tie in the fourth quarter and then end up throwing a pick in the end zone with like 3 minutes left in the game. Just for kicks, he'll probably fumble on the last play of the game too. I see the Raiders winning by 7.
Raiders 24-17
New Orleans @ Atlanta
I don't know what to make of the Saints. One week they're beating the Colts by 55, the next they're losing to the Rams. Now they're coming off a great win against the Bucs to play a streaking Falcons team. If the Saints of last week show up, they win. If the Saints of two weeks ago show up, they lose. And since I don't know which team will be there, I'll just watch this clip a few times. Best part of what should end up being the best catch of the year is the ref immediately signaling "incomplete" without even bothering to look if Jones had the ball in his hands. The play was so great, the referee just assumed there was no way in hell he could have caught the ball. Loved it!
Falcons 31-28
Pittsburgh @ Cincy
Hey, I couldn't be happier for the Bengals. I think Cincy making the playoffs would be one of the best stories of the year. But they're going into a stretch where they play Pittsburgh and the Ravens three times in the next four games. Even if they win one of those three, that puts them at 7 wins. With road games against Tennessee and St. Louis (both winnable) and home games against Cleveland, Houston and Arizona left, couldn't the Bengals go into week 17 against the Ravens with 10 or 11 wins? Could they be playing at home against Baltimore with the AFC North title on the line? It starts with winning one of those big three, and this is their best chance.
Bengals 24-21
St. Louis @ Cleveland
(tapping fingers on coffee table)
(yawning)
(flipping through channels)
(Googling St. Louis-Cleveland rivalry)
(AHA!)
So Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford went to colleges that were natural rivals. So they have a rivalry of sorts. I guess.
(staring at computer screen)
And that's probably a big deal. To some people. I guess.
(shrugging shoulders)
So...I guess that about covers this game...
Rams 22-20
Buffalo @ Dallas
Come on Buffalo, everyone is rooting for you. You had a tough game against a very good Jets defense, but that is not reason to fold. This is the kind of game you are supposed to win. Everyone is thinking you are finally crashing back to Earth, and you're playing a Cowboys team with inflated confidence after beating up on the awesome TJax/Clipboard Jesus tandem the Hawks threw at them last week. Let's right this ship.
Bills 28-22
Jacksonville @ Indy
Announcer 1: You know, everyone is joking about the Colts and the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes, but these guys are playing hard week in and week out.
Announcer 2: Don't care
Announcer 1: They want to win, these are professional athletes.
Announcer 2: Not listening. At all.
Announcer 1: And this Jacksonville team, they have been playing some tough football recently.
Announcer 2: I'm drunk.
Announcer 1: 2 combined wins might not seem like a great game, but I promise you, these teams are fired up today!
Announcer 2: ZZZZZZZZZZ
Jags 19, Colts 16, Viewers 0
Denver @ Kansas City
Tebow is winning, McGahee is playing hard again, the Chiefs win 4 in a row and then lose by 28 to the Dolphins...I don't know what to say. I think have of my losses this year involved one of these two teams. Will the Broncos keep finding away to win (despite?) Tebow? Are the Chiefs for real or are they back to their shitty ways? Since I'm guaranteed to pick this one wrong, I'll just flip a coin.
Broncos (Heads) 26-20
Washington @ Miami
Miami wins this game (thanks to John Beck on the road) to drop them out of the Luck sweepstakes followed by Tony Sparano getting fired after the fans revolt.
Dolphins 21-17
Arizona @ Philly
We are all enjoying Philly finding ways to lose each week, but it's not going to matter against the Cards. However, for the record, the Eagles have exactly one more win than the Cardinals. Hilarious.
Eagles 35-13
Houston @ Tampa Bay
Two teams going in opposite directions.
Texans 28-22
Tennessee @ Carolina
For yards per carry, out of 51 qualified running backs, Chris Johnson is 51st. He is averaging 45.8 yards a game, which puts him right below rookie Mark Ingram. He has 1 touchdown. I bet Matt Forte hates Chris Johnson.
Panthers 27-21
Seattle @ Baltimore
Tarvaris Jackson against the Raven's defense. Such a fun season for us Seahawk fans.
Ravens 35-10
Detroit @ Chicago
Here is the thing about the Bears: Everyone remembers Cutler spending the first 4 weeks on his back more than Jenna Haze, and just naturally assumes the Bears still suck. But the line has gotten better (Philly had 0 sacks last week) and Matt Forte has evolved into one of the top 3 running backs in the league. And yet the Bears are still flying under the radar. A very impressive team these last few weeks.
Bears 28-24
Giants @ San Fran
The Niners are going to clinch the NFC West by Thanksgiving. That's what happens when the two big QB signings within the division involve Tarvaris Jackson and Kevin Kolb. Those two helped make Alex Smith a playoff QB. Now that is impressive.
Niners 27-24
New England @ Jets
This game is huge because of the Jets defense does the same thing to the Pats offense that Pittsburgh did, it'll be a blueprint for how to beat the Patriots (because, with that defense, they're done). Still, the Patriots look old, but there's no way they can lose 3 in a row. Right?
Pats 31-21
Minnesota @ Green Bay
AP will have a field day with the Packer's defense. Not that it will make any difference.
Packers 42-28
At some point this weekend, make sure you thank a soldier for all they have done for us. I'm off to see my Dad to do that very thing. Happy Veterans Day everyone!
Last week: 8-6
Season: 85-44
Oakland @ San Diego
I know everyone is expecting San Diego to turn the corner and start pulling away from the pack of mediocrity that is the AFC West, but I don't see them winning this game. Michael Bush is due for a breakout (Oakland will probably give him around 30 carries); as is Denarius Moore (due for one of those 3 catches, 123 yds, 2 TD games). Plus, you can't trust Phillip "there's no INT in team" Rivers anymore. He'll probably be driving for the tie in the fourth quarter and then end up throwing a pick in the end zone with like 3 minutes left in the game. Just for kicks, he'll probably fumble on the last play of the game too. I see the Raiders winning by 7.
Raiders 24-17
New Orleans @ Atlanta
I don't know what to make of the Saints. One week they're beating the Colts by 55, the next they're losing to the Rams. Now they're coming off a great win against the Bucs to play a streaking Falcons team. If the Saints of last week show up, they win. If the Saints of two weeks ago show up, they lose. And since I don't know which team will be there, I'll just watch this clip a few times. Best part of what should end up being the best catch of the year is the ref immediately signaling "incomplete" without even bothering to look if Jones had the ball in his hands. The play was so great, the referee just assumed there was no way in hell he could have caught the ball. Loved it!
Falcons 31-28
Pittsburgh @ Cincy
Hey, I couldn't be happier for the Bengals. I think Cincy making the playoffs would be one of the best stories of the year. But they're going into a stretch where they play Pittsburgh and the Ravens three times in the next four games. Even if they win one of those three, that puts them at 7 wins. With road games against Tennessee and St. Louis (both winnable) and home games against Cleveland, Houston and Arizona left, couldn't the Bengals go into week 17 against the Ravens with 10 or 11 wins? Could they be playing at home against Baltimore with the AFC North title on the line? It starts with winning one of those big three, and this is their best chance.
Bengals 24-21
St. Louis @ Cleveland
(tapping fingers on coffee table)
(yawning)
(flipping through channels)
(Googling St. Louis-Cleveland rivalry)
(AHA!)
So Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford went to colleges that were natural rivals. So they have a rivalry of sorts. I guess.
(staring at computer screen)
And that's probably a big deal. To some people. I guess.
(shrugging shoulders)
So...I guess that about covers this game...
Rams 22-20
Buffalo @ Dallas
Come on Buffalo, everyone is rooting for you. You had a tough game against a very good Jets defense, but that is not reason to fold. This is the kind of game you are supposed to win. Everyone is thinking you are finally crashing back to Earth, and you're playing a Cowboys team with inflated confidence after beating up on the awesome TJax/Clipboard Jesus tandem the Hawks threw at them last week. Let's right this ship.
Bills 28-22
Jacksonville @ Indy
Announcer 1: You know, everyone is joking about the Colts and the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes, but these guys are playing hard week in and week out.
Announcer 2: Don't care
Announcer 1: They want to win, these are professional athletes.
Announcer 2: Not listening. At all.
Announcer 1: And this Jacksonville team, they have been playing some tough football recently.
Announcer 2: I'm drunk.
Announcer 1: 2 combined wins might not seem like a great game, but I promise you, these teams are fired up today!
Announcer 2: ZZZZZZZZZZ
Jags 19, Colts 16, Viewers 0
Denver @ Kansas City
Tebow is winning, McGahee is playing hard again, the Chiefs win 4 in a row and then lose by 28 to the Dolphins...I don't know what to say. I think have of my losses this year involved one of these two teams. Will the Broncos keep finding away to win (despite?) Tebow? Are the Chiefs for real or are they back to their shitty ways? Since I'm guaranteed to pick this one wrong, I'll just flip a coin.
Broncos (Heads) 26-20
Washington @ Miami
Miami wins this game (thanks to John Beck on the road) to drop them out of the Luck sweepstakes followed by Tony Sparano getting fired after the fans revolt.
Dolphins 21-17
Arizona @ Philly
We are all enjoying Philly finding ways to lose each week, but it's not going to matter against the Cards. However, for the record, the Eagles have exactly one more win than the Cardinals. Hilarious.
Eagles 35-13
Houston @ Tampa Bay
Two teams going in opposite directions.
Texans 28-22
Tennessee @ Carolina
For yards per carry, out of 51 qualified running backs, Chris Johnson is 51st. He is averaging 45.8 yards a game, which puts him right below rookie Mark Ingram. He has 1 touchdown. I bet Matt Forte hates Chris Johnson.
Panthers 27-21
Seattle @ Baltimore
Tarvaris Jackson against the Raven's defense. Such a fun season for us Seahawk fans.
Ravens 35-10
Detroit @ Chicago
Here is the thing about the Bears: Everyone remembers Cutler spending the first 4 weeks on his back more than Jenna Haze, and just naturally assumes the Bears still suck. But the line has gotten better (Philly had 0 sacks last week) and Matt Forte has evolved into one of the top 3 running backs in the league. And yet the Bears are still flying under the radar. A very impressive team these last few weeks.
Bears 28-24
Giants @ San Fran
The Niners are going to clinch the NFC West by Thanksgiving. That's what happens when the two big QB signings within the division involve Tarvaris Jackson and Kevin Kolb. Those two helped make Alex Smith a playoff QB. Now that is impressive.
Niners 27-24
New England @ Jets
This game is huge because of the Jets defense does the same thing to the Pats offense that Pittsburgh did, it'll be a blueprint for how to beat the Patriots (because, with that defense, they're done). Still, the Patriots look old, but there's no way they can lose 3 in a row. Right?
Pats 31-21
Minnesota @ Green Bay
AP will have a field day with the Packer's defense. Not that it will make any difference.
Packers 42-28
At some point this weekend, make sure you thank a soldier for all they have done for us. I'm off to see my Dad to do that very thing. Happy Veterans Day everyone!
Last week: 8-6
Season: 85-44
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