Winless In Seattle
Steve Sauro
Elliott SmithFootball Preview! The Final Post!
September 9th 2010 23:42
Jose Lopez said he wanted to walk 50 times this season. With his 19 this season thus far, Jose Lopez now has 130 walks for his entire 7 year career. He has never drawn more than 27 in one season. That’s all ok because he’s hit more than 17 HR in a season once in his career. This year he has all of 7 homeruns. Let’s get to the NFC!
I somehow forgot that the Vikings-Saints game is tonight, so let’s go ahead and just do the whole NFC today.
NFC EAST
Dallas Cowboys: (10-6)
Why they will win: Little know secret about the East this year: Not as strong as people think. Dallas is clearly the best team here, but that’s like being the prettiest girl on a WNBA team (save for Sue Bird. I love Sue Bird). Don’t get me wrong, Dallas is still good. Romo will put up some gaudy stats, Miles Austin will be good again (my Moreno fantasy team hopes), Witten is always solid, the offensive line is very good (which will make Jones, Barber and Choice look good) and they have a good home field. They should do well.
Why they could lose: Because all of America should root against them. Not that we should have to worry too much once Romo reaches the playoffs, but we’re bordering on an apocalypse people. Can you imagine the media hype if Dallas gets to play at home for a Super Bowl? The number of features we’ll have to watch where Jerry Jones walks around that gigantic stadium talking about how it was all worth it? Can any of you endure that? I know I can’t. Root for the rest of the division.
Fun Fact: The new Cowboy Stadium is only slightly bigger than Jerry Jones’ ego. Speaking of big things, what happened to Romo’s ex Jessica Simpson? I can’t believe Ashley became the more attractive option of the two sisters. Thank God Carrie Underwood didn’t suffer the same setbacks when she broke up with him. Oofta.
Philadelphia Eagles: (9-7)
Why they could win: They have a shot with Kolb taking over for McNabb. A sterling receiving core that includes DeSean Jackson, Jeremy Maclin and their TE Celek will help Kolb ease into his first season as the #1 starter. I also like McCoy replacing Westbrook. This team is young and primed to be the team to beat in the East over the next couple of years.
Why they could lose: Philly fans are notorious for being demanding, and unapologetically so. The first 6 weeks (GB, @DET, @JAC, WAS, @SF, ATL) has some winnable games, but against some very frisky teams. If Philly stumbles out of the gate the fans might start coming down hard on poor Kolb. Hopefully he’ll be able to handle it.
Fun Fact: Kevin Kolb’s Wikipedia page says he likes to hunt hogs. Sounds like Jessica Simpson might not be done with NFC East quarterbacks.
New York Giants: (8-8)
Why they might win: I don’t like Eli Manning. I’ll always remember him being taken #1 overall, an acknowledgment that he’s the most wanted player out of every single college player in the country, and he went to the stage pouting because he wanted to play for New York and not San Diego. Imagine getting something you’ve always dreamed about (like a chance to play professional sports) and when that moment actually happens, you spend it frowning and looking like someone just ran over your dog. What a dick. Makes me even madder that he got his way by forcing a trade to New York despite never playing a down in the NFL at that point. Anyways, I don’t know why they might win. I won’t be rooting for him.
Why they might lose: The running game isn’t quite there (Jacobs is two more bad seasons away from being signed by the Jets. Or the Seahawks.), the defense isn’t quite there (almost 27 points a game allowed last year!); the team just isn’t quite there. They’re not a bad team; they’re not a good team. .500 seems about right.
Fun Fact: San Diego ended up with a better QB in Rivers after trading old Eli, yet good old Manning went on to win a Super Bowl before San Diego anyways. Wait, that’s a Sad Fact.
Washington Redskins: (6-10)
Why they could win: I love Mike Shanahan, and it’s great he got a second chance after Denver dropped him so unceremoniously. McNabb is past his prime, but I have faith Shanahan will bring up a game plan to hide his faults. Larry Johnson? They signed Larry Johnson? And Willie Parker? I don’t like either one of those signings. If they can get peak performances from those two RB, McNabb and Albert Haynesworth, these guys might be able to surprise some people.
Why they will lose: Too many “ifs”. Personally, I don’t think they’ll be able to compete until they drop the “Vapid Behemoth” (Haynesworth). He brings too much drama. Love that Shanahan made him play with the third string during the preseason. I think athletes who act like divas should be treated like that more often. Regardless, he’s there now and I can’t imagine it’ll end up being a plus for the Redskins.
Fun Fact: Albert Haynesworth signed a 7-year, $100 million contract with the Redskins last year. He only played 12 games and had 4 sacks. This year he showed up so out of shape that he failed two different conditioning tests and wasn’t able to practice with the team.
NFC NORTH
Minnesota Vikings: (11-5)
Why they will win: It’s between them and the Packers. I say they both end up with 11 wins and the Vikings win through tiebreakers. I know everyone is tired of Favre, and I suppose I am too, but the guy is good-bum ankle or not. Even with injuries to their receivers, the Vikings can rely on their defense and running game to control most contests. And after the Packers, there’s not much in this division to contend with.
Why they could lose: Favre’s ankle is the key. The drop down from him to Tavaris Jackson is like going from Conan O’Brien to Jimmy Fallon (can’t NBC offer that show to Joel McHale? Or C.K. Lewis?). Also, with Sidney Rice getting injured and Percy Harvin having migraines, shouldn’t the Viking’s have made a play for Houshmandzadeh? The Hawks didn’t get ANYTHING for him. Shouldn’t they have offered a 4th or 5th rounder? That might come back to haunt them.
Fun Fact: Jimmy Fallon is not funny.
Green Bay Packers: (11-5)
Why they could win: They could sweep the Vikings. That would give them the tiebreaker and the division. Aaron Rodgers is a Top 3 QB and (as my friend Chris pointed out after seeing me crown the Colts as having the best WR) one of the top 3 package of receivers (the Saints are the other team). Ryan Grant and Jermichael Finley are two more weapons on an already loaded offensive side. I like their defense, but I can’t forget how they gave up close to 50 points in the playoffs to the Cards. Not ready to crown them yet.
Why they could lose: The offensive line was brutal last year. Rodgers spent more time on his back last season than…forget it. That joke was too easy. Plus, I might run into Lindsay Lohan someday. You never know. Still, I think the Packers fix the problems they had. They’re a young team that is only getting better.
Fun Fact: Lindsay Lohan is funnier than Jimmy Fallon.
Chicago Bears: (6-10)
Why they could win: I asked my buddy Brian about his Bears. I didn’t record the conversation, but the word “horrible” was used a couple times, and Chester Taylor was revealed as being very “overrated”. They won’t win this year, not behind the giants ahead of them here. Although I do like Johnny Knox. If they can figure out a way to get Cutler to stop sucking (and stop pissing off his fan base(s)), fix their pass defense, and hire a good coach then this team might be good in a couple years.
Why they won’t win: I was stunned to find out from Brian that Devin Hester is still the number one option over Johnny Knox. If they can’t fix obvious problems like that, I don’t know what to tell you. Another reason Lovie Smith is on his last legs in Chicago.
Fun Fact: Julius Peppers had 25 sacks the last two seasons. Lovie Smith will probably put him at strong safety or something.
Detroit Lions: (4-12)
Can they win: Nope.
Why they will lose: Young and not good. But what a nucleus they have. Matt Stafford is going to a pretty good QB, but he’s about 2-3 years away. Ndamukong Suh is my favorite rookie, a guy who absolutely should have gone number one last draft. It’s going to be a lot of fun watching the trail of bodies he leaves on the way to sacking the quarterback. He’ll be great to watch against the Packers. Unless they triple team him he might have 10 sacks.
Fun Fact: The Lions have 2 wins the last 2 seasons and they didn’t even want Mike Williams. Did I mention choosing him over Houshmandzadeh is inexplicable?
NFC SOUTH
New Orleans Saints: (12-4)
Why they will win: Can they repeat? They’ll have plenty of supporters. They became America’s team last year and I imagine they’ll stay that way. Drew Brees is a stud, the whole offense is awesome, the defense should keep producing turnovers and Sean Payton will keep the other teams on their toes. They’ll be a lot of fun to watch and a lot of fun to root for.
Why they could lose: The defense was opportunistic last year, but that doesn’t necessarily mean good. The offense bailed them out more than once and as good as the offense is that’s still a lot to ask of them two seasons in a row.
Fun Fact: Drew Brees winning a Super Bowl was 1000 times more likable than Eli Manning winning one.
Atlanta Falcons: (9-7)
Why they could win: I see big things for Matt Ryan this year. Roddy White is ready to breakout, Michael Turner should be great, and I like the addition of Dunta Robinson on Defense. They have a fairly easy road schedule (PIT (week 1-no QB), NO, CLE, PHI, STL, TB, CAR, SEA), no pressure (since everyone thinks the Saints will run away with the division), and a chance to pick on Tampa Bay and Carolina four times this season.
Why they could lose: They’re not overwhelming anywhere on the field. The whole team needs to bring their A-game every Sunday. A couple lackluster games are all it will take for them fall out of the playoff scene.
Fun Fact: Matt Ryan’s first two seasons: Almost 60% completion, 6356 yards, 38 TD 25 INT. Kid’s gonna be good.
Carolina Panthers: (6-10)
Why they could win: Matt Moore proves me wrong and plays well this season. Williams and Stewart continue to be the 2-headed beast at running back. Their defense doesn’t drop off after losing Julius Peppers.
Why they will lose: Matt Moore doesn’t seem like a top-tier quarterback to me. I love the RB combo, but you need a QB that can get the ball to Steve Smith on occasion. Moore isn’t that guy and I don’t think Jimmy Clausen is either.
Fun Fact: When Jimmy Clausen signed with Notre Dame, Jimmy’s Dad made sure to have the press conference at the College Football Hall of Fame. He even rented the 17 year old a stretch hummer for the event. When Notre Dame sucked under Jimmy Clausen, he went on record saying he wished people could just leave his son alone. Guess which Unsportsman.com writer doesn’t like the Clausen’s.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: (3-13)
Why they…I can’t even finish typing that.
Why they will lose: No offense, no defense. I’m being very altruistic giving them 3 wins. I don’t know who on their schedule they can beat, which of course means Seattle will lose to them. I like Josh Freeman and I hope he gets some weapons around him over the next couple seasons. He showed some talent last year and I hope he finds a good situation to strive in.
Fun Fact: I couldn’t guess more than 5 players on Tampa Bay’s roster.
NFC WEST
San Francisco 49ers: (10-6)
Why they should win: Pretty weak division and games against the AFC West should help the Niners pile up some wins. I love their tenacity. Mike Singletary is a motivational leader that should have their defense ready for every game. Frank Gore will wreck havoc on any sub-par defenses (ask Seahawk fans). The division is theirs to lose.
Why they could lose: Alex Smith might not be ready yet. It’s going to be a make or break season for him.
Fun Fact: Alex Smith might be the best QB in this division.
Seattle Seahawks: (8-8)
Why they could win: Colin Cowherd made a great point on his radio show. You need a good QB to win the division. He picked the Hawks to win the West because he thought Hasselback was the best option in a division of mediocre QBs. That’s why the above Fun Fact says Smith “might” be the best quarterback. He’s not there yet and if Matt can keep from getting injured; the Hawks have a shot at winning.
Why they might not: Of course it won’t be easy with Pete Carroll gutting the roster the way he did the last week or so. I know that we shouldn’t want to carry over too many players from a 4 win team, but keeping Williams over T.J. is atrocious. Williams has to step up, Forsett has to step up, and the defense really has to step up. Either win the division or lose all the games so we can get Locker.
Fun Fact: I will absolutely be comparing Mike Williams and T.J. Houshmandzadeh the entire season.
Arizona Cardinals: (5-11)
Why they could win: It is a weak division.
Why they could lose: But it shouldn’t matter with Derek Anderson at the helm. And for all you fantasy guys out there, careful with Larry Fitzgerald. Remember, someone still has to throw the ball to him.
Fun Fact: They cut Matt Leinart! For a guy who couldn’t keep Cleveland’s starting job! In 8 games he had 3 TD and 10 INT last year! I’m very excited for the Derek Anderson era!
St. Louis Rams: (4-12)
Why they could win: See above.
Why they should lose: They’re coming off a one win season. Let’s taper expectations for the 2010 St. Louis Rams. I like Sam Bradford (still should have grabbed Suh), I like Stephen Jackson. I like that the Seahawks get to play them twice.
Fun Fact: It only took roughly 6000 words to get through my football preview! And Elyse says I couldn’t be quick about sports commentary…
I somehow forgot that the Vikings-Saints game is tonight, so let’s go ahead and just do the whole NFC today.
NFC EAST
Dallas Cowboys: (10-6)
Why they will win: Little know secret about the East this year: Not as strong as people think. Dallas is clearly the best team here, but that’s like being the prettiest girl on a WNBA team (save for Sue Bird. I love Sue Bird). Don’t get me wrong, Dallas is still good. Romo will put up some gaudy stats, Miles Austin will be good again (my Moreno fantasy team hopes), Witten is always solid, the offensive line is very good (which will make Jones, Barber and Choice look good) and they have a good home field. They should do well.
Why they could lose: Because all of America should root against them. Not that we should have to worry too much once Romo reaches the playoffs, but we’re bordering on an apocalypse people. Can you imagine the media hype if Dallas gets to play at home for a Super Bowl? The number of features we’ll have to watch where Jerry Jones walks around that gigantic stadium talking about how it was all worth it? Can any of you endure that? I know I can’t. Root for the rest of the division.
Fun Fact: The new Cowboy Stadium is only slightly bigger than Jerry Jones’ ego. Speaking of big things, what happened to Romo’s ex Jessica Simpson? I can’t believe Ashley became the more attractive option of the two sisters. Thank God Carrie Underwood didn’t suffer the same setbacks when she broke up with him. Oofta.
Philadelphia Eagles: (9-7)
Why they could win: They have a shot with Kolb taking over for McNabb. A sterling receiving core that includes DeSean Jackson, Jeremy Maclin and their TE Celek will help Kolb ease into his first season as the #1 starter. I also like McCoy replacing Westbrook. This team is young and primed to be the team to beat in the East over the next couple of years.
Why they could lose: Philly fans are notorious for being demanding, and unapologetically so. The first 6 weeks (GB, @DET, @JAC, WAS, @SF, ATL) has some winnable games, but against some very frisky teams. If Philly stumbles out of the gate the fans might start coming down hard on poor Kolb. Hopefully he’ll be able to handle it.
Fun Fact: Kevin Kolb’s Wikipedia page says he likes to hunt hogs. Sounds like Jessica Simpson might not be done with NFC East quarterbacks.
New York Giants: (8-8)
Why they might win: I don’t like Eli Manning. I’ll always remember him being taken #1 overall, an acknowledgment that he’s the most wanted player out of every single college player in the country, and he went to the stage pouting because he wanted to play for New York and not San Diego. Imagine getting something you’ve always dreamed about (like a chance to play professional sports) and when that moment actually happens, you spend it frowning and looking like someone just ran over your dog. What a dick. Makes me even madder that he got his way by forcing a trade to New York despite never playing a down in the NFL at that point. Anyways, I don’t know why they might win. I won’t be rooting for him.
Why they might lose: The running game isn’t quite there (Jacobs is two more bad seasons away from being signed by the Jets. Or the Seahawks.), the defense isn’t quite there (almost 27 points a game allowed last year!); the team just isn’t quite there. They’re not a bad team; they’re not a good team. .500 seems about right.
Fun Fact: San Diego ended up with a better QB in Rivers after trading old Eli, yet good old Manning went on to win a Super Bowl before San Diego anyways. Wait, that’s a Sad Fact.
Washington Redskins: (6-10)
Why they could win: I love Mike Shanahan, and it’s great he got a second chance after Denver dropped him so unceremoniously. McNabb is past his prime, but I have faith Shanahan will bring up a game plan to hide his faults. Larry Johnson? They signed Larry Johnson? And Willie Parker? I don’t like either one of those signings. If they can get peak performances from those two RB, McNabb and Albert Haynesworth, these guys might be able to surprise some people.
Why they will lose: Too many “ifs”. Personally, I don’t think they’ll be able to compete until they drop the “Vapid Behemoth” (Haynesworth). He brings too much drama. Love that Shanahan made him play with the third string during the preseason. I think athletes who act like divas should be treated like that more often. Regardless, he’s there now and I can’t imagine it’ll end up being a plus for the Redskins.
Fun Fact: Albert Haynesworth signed a 7-year, $100 million contract with the Redskins last year. He only played 12 games and had 4 sacks. This year he showed up so out of shape that he failed two different conditioning tests and wasn’t able to practice with the team.
NFC NORTH
Minnesota Vikings: (11-5)
Why they will win: It’s between them and the Packers. I say they both end up with 11 wins and the Vikings win through tiebreakers. I know everyone is tired of Favre, and I suppose I am too, but the guy is good-bum ankle or not. Even with injuries to their receivers, the Vikings can rely on their defense and running game to control most contests. And after the Packers, there’s not much in this division to contend with.
Why they could lose: Favre’s ankle is the key. The drop down from him to Tavaris Jackson is like going from Conan O’Brien to Jimmy Fallon (can’t NBC offer that show to Joel McHale? Or C.K. Lewis?). Also, with Sidney Rice getting injured and Percy Harvin having migraines, shouldn’t the Viking’s have made a play for Houshmandzadeh? The Hawks didn’t get ANYTHING for him. Shouldn’t they have offered a 4th or 5th rounder? That might come back to haunt them.
Fun Fact: Jimmy Fallon is not funny.
Green Bay Packers: (11-5)
Why they could win: They could sweep the Vikings. That would give them the tiebreaker and the division. Aaron Rodgers is a Top 3 QB and (as my friend Chris pointed out after seeing me crown the Colts as having the best WR) one of the top 3 package of receivers (the Saints are the other team). Ryan Grant and Jermichael Finley are two more weapons on an already loaded offensive side. I like their defense, but I can’t forget how they gave up close to 50 points in the playoffs to the Cards. Not ready to crown them yet.
Why they could lose: The offensive line was brutal last year. Rodgers spent more time on his back last season than…forget it. That joke was too easy. Plus, I might run into Lindsay Lohan someday. You never know. Still, I think the Packers fix the problems they had. They’re a young team that is only getting better.
Fun Fact: Lindsay Lohan is funnier than Jimmy Fallon.
Chicago Bears: (6-10)
Why they could win: I asked my buddy Brian about his Bears. I didn’t record the conversation, but the word “horrible” was used a couple times, and Chester Taylor was revealed as being very “overrated”. They won’t win this year, not behind the giants ahead of them here. Although I do like Johnny Knox. If they can figure out a way to get Cutler to stop sucking (and stop pissing off his fan base(s)), fix their pass defense, and hire a good coach then this team might be good in a couple years.
Why they won’t win: I was stunned to find out from Brian that Devin Hester is still the number one option over Johnny Knox. If they can’t fix obvious problems like that, I don’t know what to tell you. Another reason Lovie Smith is on his last legs in Chicago.
Fun Fact: Julius Peppers had 25 sacks the last two seasons. Lovie Smith will probably put him at strong safety or something.
Detroit Lions: (4-12)
Can they win: Nope.
Why they will lose: Young and not good. But what a nucleus they have. Matt Stafford is going to a pretty good QB, but he’s about 2-3 years away. Ndamukong Suh is my favorite rookie, a guy who absolutely should have gone number one last draft. It’s going to be a lot of fun watching the trail of bodies he leaves on the way to sacking the quarterback. He’ll be great to watch against the Packers. Unless they triple team him he might have 10 sacks.
Fun Fact: The Lions have 2 wins the last 2 seasons and they didn’t even want Mike Williams. Did I mention choosing him over Houshmandzadeh is inexplicable?
NFC SOUTH
New Orleans Saints: (12-4)
Why they will win: Can they repeat? They’ll have plenty of supporters. They became America’s team last year and I imagine they’ll stay that way. Drew Brees is a stud, the whole offense is awesome, the defense should keep producing turnovers and Sean Payton will keep the other teams on their toes. They’ll be a lot of fun to watch and a lot of fun to root for.
Why they could lose: The defense was opportunistic last year, but that doesn’t necessarily mean good. The offense bailed them out more than once and as good as the offense is that’s still a lot to ask of them two seasons in a row.
Fun Fact: Drew Brees winning a Super Bowl was 1000 times more likable than Eli Manning winning one.
Atlanta Falcons: (9-7)
Why they could win: I see big things for Matt Ryan this year. Roddy White is ready to breakout, Michael Turner should be great, and I like the addition of Dunta Robinson on Defense. They have a fairly easy road schedule (PIT (week 1-no QB), NO, CLE, PHI, STL, TB, CAR, SEA), no pressure (since everyone thinks the Saints will run away with the division), and a chance to pick on Tampa Bay and Carolina four times this season.
Why they could lose: They’re not overwhelming anywhere on the field. The whole team needs to bring their A-game every Sunday. A couple lackluster games are all it will take for them fall out of the playoff scene.
Fun Fact: Matt Ryan’s first two seasons: Almost 60% completion, 6356 yards, 38 TD 25 INT. Kid’s gonna be good.
Carolina Panthers: (6-10)
Why they could win: Matt Moore proves me wrong and plays well this season. Williams and Stewart continue to be the 2-headed beast at running back. Their defense doesn’t drop off after losing Julius Peppers.
Why they will lose: Matt Moore doesn’t seem like a top-tier quarterback to me. I love the RB combo, but you need a QB that can get the ball to Steve Smith on occasion. Moore isn’t that guy and I don’t think Jimmy Clausen is either.
Fun Fact: When Jimmy Clausen signed with Notre Dame, Jimmy’s Dad made sure to have the press conference at the College Football Hall of Fame. He even rented the 17 year old a stretch hummer for the event. When Notre Dame sucked under Jimmy Clausen, he went on record saying he wished people could just leave his son alone. Guess which Unsportsman.com writer doesn’t like the Clausen’s.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: (3-13)
Why they…I can’t even finish typing that.
Why they will lose: No offense, no defense. I’m being very altruistic giving them 3 wins. I don’t know who on their schedule they can beat, which of course means Seattle will lose to them. I like Josh Freeman and I hope he gets some weapons around him over the next couple seasons. He showed some talent last year and I hope he finds a good situation to strive in.
Fun Fact: I couldn’t guess more than 5 players on Tampa Bay’s roster.
NFC WEST
San Francisco 49ers: (10-6)
Why they should win: Pretty weak division and games against the AFC West should help the Niners pile up some wins. I love their tenacity. Mike Singletary is a motivational leader that should have their defense ready for every game. Frank Gore will wreck havoc on any sub-par defenses (ask Seahawk fans). The division is theirs to lose.
Why they could lose: Alex Smith might not be ready yet. It’s going to be a make or break season for him.
Fun Fact: Alex Smith might be the best QB in this division.
Seattle Seahawks: (8-8)
Why they could win: Colin Cowherd made a great point on his radio show. You need a good QB to win the division. He picked the Hawks to win the West because he thought Hasselback was the best option in a division of mediocre QBs. That’s why the above Fun Fact says Smith “might” be the best quarterback. He’s not there yet and if Matt can keep from getting injured; the Hawks have a shot at winning.
Why they might not: Of course it won’t be easy with Pete Carroll gutting the roster the way he did the last week or so. I know that we shouldn’t want to carry over too many players from a 4 win team, but keeping Williams over T.J. is atrocious. Williams has to step up, Forsett has to step up, and the defense really has to step up. Either win the division or lose all the games so we can get Locker.
Fun Fact: I will absolutely be comparing Mike Williams and T.J. Houshmandzadeh the entire season.
Arizona Cardinals: (5-11)
Why they could win: It is a weak division.
Why they could lose: But it shouldn’t matter with Derek Anderson at the helm. And for all you fantasy guys out there, careful with Larry Fitzgerald. Remember, someone still has to throw the ball to him.
Fun Fact: They cut Matt Leinart! For a guy who couldn’t keep Cleveland’s starting job! In 8 games he had 3 TD and 10 INT last year! I’m very excited for the Derek Anderson era!
St. Louis Rams: (4-12)
Why they could win: See above.
Why they should lose: They’re coming off a one win season. Let’s taper expectations for the 2010 St. Louis Rams. I like Sam Bradford (still should have grabbed Suh), I like Stephen Jackson. I like that the Seahawks get to play them twice.
Fun Fact: It only took roughly 6000 words to get through my football preview! And Elyse says I couldn’t be quick about sports commentary…
| 64 |
| Vote |
Add To: 
subscribe to this blog
Comment by Winless In Seattle
UnSportsman
I'll even set the number at 7 wins for the Hawks and take the under.
$1 million. You in?
Comment by Elliott Smith