Winless In Seattle
Steve Sauro
Elliott SmithAnother Reader Question
August 10th 2010 23:01
Before writing each of my 1st two pieces here on Unsportsman, I was slightly worried a couple thousand words on nothing but the Mariners might exclude some people. Mainly 99% of the world. That's a large market to lose. Sure enough, within a few hours of my last piece going up, I received this email from Amy H. out of Washington:
Um.....what? I don't think I understood even half of that....Do I need to learn sports lingo to win your heart? Lol....
As expected, I was alienating my female readers. This was not my intention, and I understand the frustration that might go with not understanding what the hell someone is talking about. I feel the same way when anyone below the age of 20 talks about a "Justin Beiber". I don't know what a Justin Beiber is, but from what I've heard and the age group it affects, my guess is that it's made with ice cream and ponies. Anyways, I would hate to lose out on any curious readers who don't know what the terms I use mean, so I'll try to answer Amy's question.
Second part first, no Amy, you don't need to learn sports lingo to win my heart. Half the fun of dating is to spend part of the woo-ing process introducing your woo-ee to the things you like. Unless it's the other way around and the woo-ee tries introducing me to "Sex and the City". This has happened with three potential girlfriends in my past and all three times there was no next date and a broken television screen. No one can afford to keep buying new TVs, so save that show for after you marry the guy. As for the "Um.....what? portion of your question, I have assembled a cheat sheet involving a lot of the terms your will be reading on this site. Feel free to print this out and take it with you on any dates you might need added assistance with:
Seattle Mariners: They play baseball, they play it badly. I would like to say they have a good heart, but eh...I don't know. They're better at their jobs than you and I will ever be, so it's tough calling them failures. It's a long season and when you suck from the onset, I imagine it's tough to stay motivated. And, no, we don't want to root for another team. You should always try to date a Seattle Mariner fan because, if anything else, we're loyal. And loyalty's a good quality to have in a relationship. So there. Sucky and loyal. Mariner baseball!
Ken Griffey Jr.: Imagine your favorite pet. Got it? Ok. Now picture it as a puppy/kitten etc. See it running around, chasing everything? Too fast to ever catch but amazing to watch in person. Ok, now pretend your favorite pet leaves you for 10 years to go live with another family. Willingly because it doesn't like you anymore. Hurts, doesn't it? But wait, your pet comes back after 10 years! Except now two of its legs doesn't work. And it smells. And it can't hit a fastball. Oh, and you got other pets while your favorite pet was gone, but now that your favorite pet is back, it demands to be your favorite pet again. Even though it made you give it to another family for ten years, it demands you never bring that up and only speak fondly of it. Also, you're forced to bat it fourth. That's Griffey.
Ichiro: Take your favorite 10 things and combine them. I'm allowing you to use "Sex and the City" if you must. You know what, your favorite 20 things. He's that awesome.
Carlos Silva: Take those 10 or 20 things and burn them all. Oh, throw $48 million in there too. Don't worry, those favorite things will reappear in Chicago and be awesome for a few months. Life is unfair.
Chone Figgins: This is tough to explain. Something you looked forward to for like 9 years. And then once you finally get it, it kind of sucks. And then it's not so bad, but there's nothing really exciting about it. Maybe marriage? Yeah. Marriage. Chone Figgins is like marriage.
Felix Hernandez: I've been staring at this screen for 5 minutes now, unable to type anything. Words don't do him justice. Unlike Ichiro, who we bought from Japan, Felix grew up with Seattle. We all got to see him become one of the top 5 pitchers in baseball. Anything is possible with him. He might strike out 20 and cure cancer in the same night. He's awesome and he didn't ask to go live with a different family. Yet.
Milton Bradley: Do you have a crazy person in the family? So do the Mariners. Your crazy person has a batting average slightly lower than Milton Bradley's.
Seattle Mariner bullpen: I don't even know half of their names. A guy named Aardsma is in there. I think someone once said his name is alphabetically first among all people to ever play baseball. I think I heard a guy named White got called up again. Our starters are awesome and the bullpen usually sucks. Did you ever watch "Seinfeld"? Do you remember how they would put crappy shows on after "Seinfeld" hoping at one point it would catch on? Mariner baseball.
Jose Lopez: You ever dated a guy who didn't really do anything that well, but it was too much of a hassle to break up with him? That guy. Oh, and you might think he's not all there mentally. Like, it seems he means well, but he keeps doing weird things like forgetting to put on pants or voting for Sarah Palin. Also, he can't hit the ball to right.
Alex Rodriguez: Ever dated a guy who was a complete dick but was too good to pass up? And then the more of an asshole he became, the better things got for him? And despite everyone in the world knowing he's a douchebag, they still try to make a big deal about him hitting 600 homeruns, despite the fact he did steroids and admitted to it and yet no one really mentions that because...I don't know why that doesn't get mentioned more... Barry Bonds can't hail a cab without someone bringing up steroids but Alex "dickhead' Rodriguez gets to celebrate hitting 600 homeruns. Hell, even Sammy Sosa, who was way more fun to watch, got blackballed out of the league but A-Roid gets to keep playing and dating hot chicks and living his dream despite being pure evil and a dick and a douchebag. I need a beer...
New York Yankees: That's who your dickhead/douchebag ex-boyfriend plays for because they get to spend $100 million (!) more than anyone else. I need another beer...
Edgar Martinez: Ok, baseball created a position called the DH. It stands for Designated Hitter. It's for a guy who only hits, doesn't go in the field. I know, retarded. Except it exists, it really really does, and as much as some people don't like it, it's been around since the 70's. So we have a player named Edgar Martinez, who was a decent fielder and an amazing hitter. One time he was badly injured and missed most of the season. From that point on, because THE DH POSITION EXISTS, the Mariners made him a DH. It's not his fault he's a DH, we could have kept him at third base. But the DH is an actual position and the Mariners correctly assumed that less time in the field would mean fewer injuries. Which was big, because he was one of the best hitters in baseball. He went on to become the best DH ever. When he retired, they named the award that goes to the BEST DH IN BASEBALL every year the "EDGAR MARTINEZ AWARD". He's not in the Hall of Fame. Many people never want him in the Hall of Fame. He was the best ever at what he did, and they don't want him in the Hall of Fame. Let's put it this way: Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon and Renee Zellweger all have Oscars and Edgar Martinez might not go to the Hall of Fame. Tragic.
Don Wakamatsu: Nevermind...
Um.....what? I don't think I understood even half of that....Do I need to learn sports lingo to win your heart? Lol....
As expected, I was alienating my female readers. This was not my intention, and I understand the frustration that might go with not understanding what the hell someone is talking about. I feel the same way when anyone below the age of 20 talks about a "Justin Beiber". I don't know what a Justin Beiber is, but from what I've heard and the age group it affects, my guess is that it's made with ice cream and ponies. Anyways, I would hate to lose out on any curious readers who don't know what the terms I use mean, so I'll try to answer Amy's question.
Second part first, no Amy, you don't need to learn sports lingo to win my heart. Half the fun of dating is to spend part of the woo-ing process introducing your woo-ee to the things you like. Unless it's the other way around and the woo-ee tries introducing me to "Sex and the City". This has happened with three potential girlfriends in my past and all three times there was no next date and a broken television screen. No one can afford to keep buying new TVs, so save that show for after you marry the guy. As for the "Um.....what? portion of your question, I have assembled a cheat sheet involving a lot of the terms your will be reading on this site. Feel free to print this out and take it with you on any dates you might need added assistance with:
Seattle Mariners: They play baseball, they play it badly. I would like to say they have a good heart, but eh...I don't know. They're better at their jobs than you and I will ever be, so it's tough calling them failures. It's a long season and when you suck from the onset, I imagine it's tough to stay motivated. And, no, we don't want to root for another team. You should always try to date a Seattle Mariner fan because, if anything else, we're loyal. And loyalty's a good quality to have in a relationship. So there. Sucky and loyal. Mariner baseball!
Ken Griffey Jr.: Imagine your favorite pet. Got it? Ok. Now picture it as a puppy/kitten etc. See it running around, chasing everything? Too fast to ever catch but amazing to watch in person. Ok, now pretend your favorite pet leaves you for 10 years to go live with another family. Willingly because it doesn't like you anymore. Hurts, doesn't it? But wait, your pet comes back after 10 years! Except now two of its legs doesn't work. And it smells. And it can't hit a fastball. Oh, and you got other pets while your favorite pet was gone, but now that your favorite pet is back, it demands to be your favorite pet again. Even though it made you give it to another family for ten years, it demands you never bring that up and only speak fondly of it. Also, you're forced to bat it fourth. That's Griffey.
Ichiro: Take your favorite 10 things and combine them. I'm allowing you to use "Sex and the City" if you must. You know what, your favorite 20 things. He's that awesome.
Carlos Silva: Take those 10 or 20 things and burn them all. Oh, throw $48 million in there too. Don't worry, those favorite things will reappear in Chicago and be awesome for a few months. Life is unfair.
Chone Figgins: This is tough to explain. Something you looked forward to for like 9 years. And then once you finally get it, it kind of sucks. And then it's not so bad, but there's nothing really exciting about it. Maybe marriage? Yeah. Marriage. Chone Figgins is like marriage.
Felix Hernandez: I've been staring at this screen for 5 minutes now, unable to type anything. Words don't do him justice. Unlike Ichiro, who we bought from Japan, Felix grew up with Seattle. We all got to see him become one of the top 5 pitchers in baseball. Anything is possible with him. He might strike out 20 and cure cancer in the same night. He's awesome and he didn't ask to go live with a different family. Yet.
Milton Bradley: Do you have a crazy person in the family? So do the Mariners. Your crazy person has a batting average slightly lower than Milton Bradley's.
Seattle Mariner bullpen: I don't even know half of their names. A guy named Aardsma is in there. I think someone once said his name is alphabetically first among all people to ever play baseball. I think I heard a guy named White got called up again. Our starters are awesome and the bullpen usually sucks. Did you ever watch "Seinfeld"? Do you remember how they would put crappy shows on after "Seinfeld" hoping at one point it would catch on? Mariner baseball.
Jose Lopez: You ever dated a guy who didn't really do anything that well, but it was too much of a hassle to break up with him? That guy. Oh, and you might think he's not all there mentally. Like, it seems he means well, but he keeps doing weird things like forgetting to put on pants or voting for Sarah Palin. Also, he can't hit the ball to right.
Alex Rodriguez: Ever dated a guy who was a complete dick but was too good to pass up? And then the more of an asshole he became, the better things got for him? And despite everyone in the world knowing he's a douchebag, they still try to make a big deal about him hitting 600 homeruns, despite the fact he did steroids and admitted to it and yet no one really mentions that because...I don't know why that doesn't get mentioned more... Barry Bonds can't hail a cab without someone bringing up steroids but Alex "dickhead' Rodriguez gets to celebrate hitting 600 homeruns. Hell, even Sammy Sosa, who was way more fun to watch, got blackballed out of the league but A-Roid gets to keep playing and dating hot chicks and living his dream despite being pure evil and a dick and a douchebag. I need a beer...
New York Yankees: That's who your dickhead/douchebag ex-boyfriend plays for because they get to spend $100 million (!) more than anyone else. I need another beer...
Edgar Martinez: Ok, baseball created a position called the DH. It stands for Designated Hitter. It's for a guy who only hits, doesn't go in the field. I know, retarded. Except it exists, it really really does, and as much as some people don't like it, it's been around since the 70's. So we have a player named Edgar Martinez, who was a decent fielder and an amazing hitter. One time he was badly injured and missed most of the season. From that point on, because THE DH POSITION EXISTS, the Mariners made him a DH. It's not his fault he's a DH, we could have kept him at third base. But the DH is an actual position and the Mariners correctly assumed that less time in the field would mean fewer injuries. Which was big, because he was one of the best hitters in baseball. He went on to become the best DH ever. When he retired, they named the award that goes to the BEST DH IN BASEBALL every year the "EDGAR MARTINEZ AWARD". He's not in the Hall of Fame. Many people never want him in the Hall of Fame. He was the best ever at what he did, and they don't want him in the Hall of Fame. Let's put it this way: Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon and Renee Zellweger all have Oscars and Edgar Martinez might not go to the Hall of Fame. Tragic.
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Comment by Brian Kelley